The Goodby People by Gavin Lambert

Author:Gavin Lambert
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: McNally Editions
Published: 2022-08-09T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

When the weather changes, so does our situation. A storm wakes both of us up during the night and he asks, “What am I going to do tomorrow?” After breakfast I say I have to start work, and he goes upstairs, listens to his music tapes for a while. About an hour later he returns, stands behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “Think I’ll go out and drive around.” His voice sounds disconsolate. I suggest going to a movie in the evening, but his response is listless. In the middle of the afternoon a small pebble, thrown from behind, hits my typewriter. I look up and see him leaning in the doorway.

“Come here!”

The order is carried out with obvious bravado, and I smile. He grins too, but says, “I’ve got to talk to you.” In the living room he takes his usual chair, glances out of the windows. It has stopped raining but there are low drifting clouds. Everything is gray and blurred; you can’t see as far as the ocean.

“There’s been something not right between us from the start.” He gives me an accusing look. “I can’t seem to arouse your genuine interest!” I stare at him, and he says, “You don’t ask enough!”

“What should I have asked you about?”

“Me. I wanted you to read all those letters, and you did, then you hardly said anything about them. Don’t you care how I felt about all those other people? Didn’t it occur to you that if you didn’t know, you couldn’t be sure how I felt about you?”

“Yes, it occurred to me.”

“Then why didn’t you ask?”

“I thought I’d find out anyway. Didn’t it occur to you that if I didn’t ask, I was taking you on trust?”

He gazes at me in deep surprise. Finally he says, “No. I never thought about that.”

“Did all those other people ask you a lot of questions?”

“Everything, they wanted to know everything!”

“Why was that, do you suppose?”

He looks slightly embarrassed. “You may think this sounds conceited, but they were in love with me.”

“Isn’t that rather a pity, if you weren’t in love with them?”

He doesn’t answer for a moment. His eyes look very dark and remote. “I’ve never been in love.” The mouth twitches. “If I decided to leave tomorrow, would you be sorry?”

“I can’t answer that till it happens.”

He jumps to his feet. “Jesus, you don’t give a shit!”

“I didn’t say that.”

He turns away, stares at the floor. “Almost. You wouldn’t really try and stop me.” His shoulders hunch slightly. “Nobody ever does.”

“I’m surprised. A moment ago you said all those people were in love with you.”

“Yes, they were. But…” He breaks off. “I don’t know. Something happens. I’m pretty honest with people and I don’t pretend I feel for them what they feel for me. I always tell them it’s no big deal, but they believe what they want to believe. Or they imagine I’ll come around and see how beautiful and wonderful they really are, and go on my knees to them.

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